I've changed sites. Click here to read this post at elodieonlove.com.
Brilliant post title, huh? OK, I suck at titles. But this has been rattling around in my brain for a while, and I can't seem to write anything else until I get it out.
Very recently -- within the past month -- I've discovered that I'm sexually submissive. "Discovered" is perhaps the wrong term; it's more like recognizing something that was always there, but I never really saw. Like suddenly realizing the rosebush on the way to work bears red flowers, when you always thought of them as pink. Or looking at a guy who you've been "just friends" with for a long time, to whom you were never attracted, and wanting to kiss him.
I've always liked a bit of roleplayed submission. I liked roleplayed dominance too -- not nearly as much, but it wasn't something I let myself think about. After all, I'm a feminist, and feminists need to be in charge of their sex lives all the time, right? Certainly not let some man tell them what to do. Certainly not WANT to let some man tell them what to do. And, of all things, not want to give sexual power over them to some man.
Well, I didn't want "some man" to have sexual power over me. I never trusted anyone enough to even think about it. Then I met K. We moved in together over four years ago, but thanks to stressful life circumstances, personal demons, and my near-dead sex drive, our sex life was pretty much nonexistent for a long time. I still don't know why he stuck around for so long. But when I went off the pill last year, after he got a vasectomy, things started to change. My sex drive started to return, stronger than ever. I was happy, K was thrilled, everything seemed to be working out.
I got into sex toys, and looked at bondage gear on sex toy sites. Restraints and blindfolds appealed to me: the light bondage stuff that doesn't really bother most people. For some reason, I kept going back to floggers. "That's not me," I'd think. "I'm just curious." I would read reviews of them, and I finally admitted: I didn't want to wield them, I wanted them wielded on me. Specifically, I wanted K to wield them on me. It wasn't about the pain, though I found that I enjoyed that too, it was about giving him power over me. Luckily, he's dominant -- something he kept from me for a long time, afraid I'd condemn him for it.
That was it. Since then, I've known who I am. My sexual imagination has been released. I'm not submissive except sexually, and I still like roleplaying the top sometimes, but it's just roleplaying. It doesn't go to my core like submission does.
I'm sure I'll write more about this later, but right now, K wants me to come to bed.