I've changed sites. Click here to read this post at elodieonlove.com.
The other day I was talking about sexuality, BDSM in particular, with someone who was pretty freaked out about it. She voiced a common opinion: "I guess it's okay so long as it's consensual, but liking pain can't be healthy." She meant "healthy" psychologically.
I've discovered rather recently that I myself like pain in a controlled, loving, sexual context. I answered, "it's not really unhealthy," then bit my tongue and changed the subject, trying not to feel like there was something wrong with me. Obviously wanting so much pain that you have to be seriously harmed to be satisfied is, by its definition, not healthy, because it causes physical damage. But a good spanking or flogging or etc. doesn't cause harm.
This all supposes enthusiastic consent, of course. Actually, "consent" isn't strong enough -- the term "participation" might be better. A common worry among those who don't "get" BDSM is that BDSM is really abuse. The Lesbian Sex Mafia defined the difference between abuse and BDSM concisely here.
As the (most of the time) submissive, (moderately) masochistic partner in my relationship, I love the feeling of yielding control. However, at the same time, I have never felt my boundaries were as respected as they are now; I have never felt as honest with a partner, or that he was as honest with me; I have never felt so safe. Everything is clear, out in the open, lines are drawn, safewords are obeyed without question or hesitation. We are in as far from an abusive relationship as I can imagine.
Maybe I was born liking pain the way I was born liking chocolate. It's a physical reaction, and one that I do my best not to feel shame over.
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My take on it is, BDSM isn't all about pain but control. The chance to do something most don't do because it's taboo. Unlike abuse, which has no safe word to immediately halt all actions BDSM has safety measures that most abide by.
ReplyDeleteNo question, giving up control is a large part of it. And many people like the surrender part without the pain, the surrender part without the control, etc.
ReplyDeleteFor me, it's hard to disentangle the pain from the surrender -- but as far as I can, I can say, I do like the physical sensation of mild to moderate pain in a controlled sexual context, for itself.
The taboo aspect doesn't really do anything for me. I think overall I'd be much happier if BDSM wasn't so taboo.